the music of our friendship

Someone to Say Hi To

K's Choice

 Look at you how well you've done so far
look at where you're standing who you are
and all our moments good and bad forever in my head
wish we could go back just once and laugh at things we said

It's been wonderful and crazy knowing you
and I hope that I can always see the teenage girl in you
and I know that you'll be fine but I'll be there every time
you need someone to say hi to late at night

Sometimes when I think of us I'm sad
I miss not knowing anything of what could lie ahead
when mostly now I'm grateful that you're where you want to be
not quite here and not quite there but somewhere in between

L.,

This is how I feel now. It might be corny to say so, but after listening to this song, I realized that this is where we are now. I'll always be your friend and it makes me sad knowing how much we have drifted away from each other, but I understand now. I miss you, I do, I miss talking to you and generally us just being us, but mostly as the song says, I am happy that you're where you want to be.

M.

Loneliness is a state of mind

How is it that you can be surrounded by family and friends yet still feel so achingly alone?

what is essential is hidden

The aspect of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity (one is unable to notice something because it is always before one's eyes) - Ludwig Wittgenstein


And I have to wonder, if this was indeed the case, had I in the narrowness of my vision, allowed so much to pass me by? What chances had I ignored or not noticed because of this?

everything's gonna be alright

There are days when I wish I could write my younger self a letter and tell her not to worry, that although life is going to be one heck of a ride, we were going to be fine. I wish I could infuse her with some of the confidence I have found, I wish I had enjoyed the ride more instead of worrying about what other people might say or think. I am haunted by the thought of the opportunities I must have lost because I was too scared to try. Does confidence come with age, with the experiences we have along the way or has it always been there, and we only need time to find it? As secure as I am with myself now, I wish I was this way when I was younger, especially when I look back on the things I missed hiding from life.

all this wasted longing...

You Who Never Arrived

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start, I don’t even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me - the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods --
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.
You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house -- , and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon, --
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?
perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening…
                                       -Rainer Maria Rilke

I wonder if you will still arrive, if you are out there; I hope you are...

how we didn't die, we just never had a chance to bloom

Whatever it was that I wanted us to be, what I wanted me to be for him, whatever it was that I deluded myself into thinking we were meant to be, never was. I knew that when I met him two years ago, but I kept on fooling myself by clinging to the tiniest bit of hope, despite appearances, despite actions that negated that hope.

Love, romantic love has always been difficult for me. W says we have, the two of us what she calls, the Sisyphus complex, falling for people we can't have, unattainable due to circumstances beyond our control. Maybe that's the reason why I clung so much to that hope, because despite everything, I really believed that I had a chance this time around. I guess I was wrong.

chocolate makes me happy...

I turned 32 today, and for once I will not whine about how direction-less I feel my life is but instead be thankful for everything that I have. I am grateful that I belong to the family I belong to, that I have a wonderful relationship with my parents ( only my mom now since daddy's gone) and my sisters. That I have an interesting enough job, two in fact that challenge my mind in different ways, I whine and complain about both a lot of times, but I am luckier than most, one job allows me to travel and learn while the other allows me to flex my writing muscles so I can not complain really. I have great friends who tolerate my moods and my lectures and my rantings. And I have my books that keep me occupied along with the fact that my favorite show of all time, The X-Files, is currently running on television five days a week. Life is good really.