I just want to be okay today

Sometimes I am convinced I have a latent self-destructive streak in me. I ditch friends, I don't keep appointments, I throw away chances at a do over; all because I feel like it, because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and didn't feel like it was my day.
Case in point: today was the first birthday party of one of my godchildren, L's little boy, a fact L reminded me of several times through phone calls and text messages. I said I was going, and I did intend to go, I bought a gift and everything, but I woke up this morning with a massive headache, ate my breakfast, downed a couple of painkillers, and slept the day away without even bothering to type out a sorry-I-can't-make-it note to L. So understandably, she's mad, but then again, I have never given her any reason to be mad at me before, so I guess now is a fine time to start as any, to see if our friendship can survive.

I don't know what is it in me that does this, that compels me to do this, this urge to test how far I can go before something breaks. Sometimes I'm convinced this is a delayed rebellion thing happening, I don't know really. I want to apologize but a part of me thinks she deserves this for that slight  which I have a feeling she didn't even know she did, but she did. I want to be a better person. I do.

this is how it works...

You love, you lose, you cry, you pick yourself up and try one more time. And this time maybe, you'll be a little braver, a little tougher, a little more grounded yet idealistic still...

the music of our friendship

Someone to Say Hi To

K's Choice

 Look at you how well you've done so far
look at where you're standing who you are
and all our moments good and bad forever in my head
wish we could go back just once and laugh at things we said

It's been wonderful and crazy knowing you
and I hope that I can always see the teenage girl in you
and I know that you'll be fine but I'll be there every time
you need someone to say hi to late at night

Sometimes when I think of us I'm sad
I miss not knowing anything of what could lie ahead
when mostly now I'm grateful that you're where you want to be
not quite here and not quite there but somewhere in between

L.,

This is how I feel now. It might be corny to say so, but after listening to this song, I realized that this is where we are now. I'll always be your friend and it makes me sad knowing how much we have drifted away from each other, but I understand now. I miss you, I do, I miss talking to you and generally us just being us, but mostly as the song says, I am happy that you're where you want to be.

M.

Loneliness is a state of mind

How is it that you can be surrounded by family and friends yet still feel so achingly alone?