Saturday, December 20, 2008

I just want to be okay today

Sometimes I am convinced I have a latent self-destructive streak in me. I ditch friends, I don't keep appointments, I throw away chances at a do over; all because I feel like it, because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and didn't feel like it was my day.
Case in point: today was the first birthday party of one of my godchildren, L's little boy, a fact L reminded me of several times through phone calls and text messages. I said I was going, and I did intend to go, I bought a gift and everything, but I woke up this morning with a massive headache, ate my breakfast, downed a couple of painkillers, and slept the day away without even bothering to type out a sorry-I-can't-make-it note to L. So understandably, she's mad, but then again, I have never given her any reason to be mad at me before, so I guess now is a fine time to start as any, to see if our friendship can survive.

I don't know what is it in me that does this, that compels me to do this, this urge to test how far I can go before something breaks. Sometimes I'm convinced this is a delayed rebellion thing happening, I don't know really. I want to apologize but a part of me thinks she deserves this for that slight  which I have a feeling she didn't even know she did, but she did. I want to be a better person. I do.

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