another year....

Thirty three today. Still nothing much to show for it but I'm relatively happy with my life. As my sister says, our time is coming. I just have to hold firmly to that belief. All things considered though, I'm very very grateful.

you.

Cleaning out my inbox at 1 in the morning, I run across your emails. I still can't bring myself to delete them. The same goes for the text messages you sent me. I have changed phones twice but I transfer the messages and keep them saved every time. Pathetic I know but what can you do? I'm supposed to be over you, I am over you. So why do I save these scraps of memories, these tokens of attention wrung unwillingly from you?

night flight

We fall in love with strangers whose
faces radiate a familiar power that reminds us
of something lost before we had it.
The braille of the studious fingers instructs
exactly what we have succumbed to, far too late
to close, to retract the self that has extruded
from us naked, vulnerable and sticky,...

... To fall in love so late is dangerous. Below,
lights are winking out. Cars crawl into driveways
and fade into the snow. Planes make me think
of dying suddenly, and loving of dying
slowly the heat loss of failure and betrayed
trust. Yet I cast myself on you, closing
my eyes as I leap and then opening them wide
as I land. Love is plunging into darkness toward
a place that may exist.

Marge Piercy

the impulse to change

There are days when I get the urge to break free from the box I have set myself in. To be different, to be someone other than the M that people know. And why not right? One would assume it would be easy, but it's not. That does not mean however, that the urge ever leaves you, it just recedes then rears its head at an inopportune time.

i think therefore...

The truth is that my life is not that bad, the truth is that most days I am a whingy, bratty, selfish, self-involved person and I complain and complain about the way my life is going without doing anything about it. I lose touch with old friends then feel a twinge of envy when I learn of how they have kept in touch with each other. I don't really know, I guess I have faulty people relating skills or it is because I have become too self-involved as I grew older ( but apparently not mature) that I have somehow convinced myself that I deserve more than what I have. And maybe I do, because I believe we all do. To want the life, the things we want, to be able to reach for them, to dream of them, we are allowed. But I admit, in the last few days I have realized that what I have will have to suffice.

this song means an entire city to me...

There was this song I listened to constantly that year. I was far away from home for the first time and had felt decidedly overwhelmed and homesick and the song reminded me of home. That song was the leitmotif to those days, imbuing it somehow with a hue all its own. In the midst of it all, I was unaware that you were already claiming a stake in my heart until the song became intertwined with you in my head. When I came home, I would only have to hear the song and you would inevitably occupy my mind. But now, two years on, whatever tenuous claim you had staked in my heart has started to loosen. Yesterday I heard the song again and you were no longer the first thing that came to my mind. It has started to become just another song again, a good one still, but no longer one invested with memories and thoughts of what have been and what could have been. Time has done its work quite well, blunting the edges so they no longer cut and rendering the memories hazy. I am finally getting over you. Truly.


* post title from another drawing of kurt halsey