the broken heart within.

I wrote this tiny essay in my other blog three years ago  as a form of tribute to my dad . I can't believe he's been gone for three years. I still miss him badly.

Mar. 16th, 2008
1:08 AM

My daddy died yesterday, he was 62. He and I got along pretty well, I was always daddy's girl and as a child, would throw the biggest tantrums when he couldn't come home for my birthday even when I knew that his work required that he stay in Southern Philippines. I have always gotten my way as a child, pampered and doted on as the eldest daughter. He was never one to get mad at us, neither did he shout and he rarely punished us for whatever childhood prank we got ourselves into. I can't remember him ever saying no to any of my requests. I remember being a freshman university student and not knowing how to get home after dark. My dad would pick me up from school every time I had to stay late at the university. I also remember one time when he was hospitalized , he was more worried that no one would pick me up more than anything else. As I had posted in one of my infrequent entries, they found a mass in his liver which turned out to be cancer. Things went downhill pretty fast and last night he succumbed to his illness. He passed away peacefully in his sleep surrounded by his daughters. And although in the course of the past week we knew that this day would be coming soon, I didn't think it would be this soon. I feel as though I've been crippled, as though a huge part of me has been lost forever. I have been living with him for the past 15 years, since my sophomore year in college and I dread coming home to an empty apartment, no dad waiting for me to fix him dinner and listen to my various stories. In that 15 years, we have had our share of misunderstandings and spats mostly stemming from what he considers to be my inability to focus. But through everything, he has been my cheerleader, my advisor, I already miss him sorely.

Daddy, thank you for always listening, for always keeping me grounded, and for being an all around wonderful father. I love you. I miss you so much.

a small ray of light

a while back, I realized that I have been working in one way or another for the past fifteen years. and things seem to be looking up at work these days, but I'm remaining cautious. Only, now I know I should learn to be more grateful.

these days...

these days I am learning to appreciate what I have, to love my work and be grateful for the fact that I have them. Although there are still days when getting out of bed to go to work is just too much damn work, most days, my good side wins.

W tells me she's envious of the fact that I seem to have so many options, as I told her of my potential training opportunities and the fact that work at NL for the first time, seems to be going well. Me, I'm a little paranoid about how well life is going. I fear that the other shoe might drop any day and I might find myself with nothing. I'm also scared of the fact that I seem to accept these things as proper, due to me, owed even. Like the universe finally gets it. That I am being given these opportunities because I deserve them, because I am good. But believing in your own press? that could be bad, could allow you to relax, to be lazy. I need to gain perspective, and the people who help me gain perspective are miles away, or in the case of my dad, up in heaven. Then my friend J sent me an email, outlining how she has given up on her dreams and following up on a new one, despite the lack of support from her family, and the more I feel that I should be grateful for what I have. Because despite the fact that I have continually disappointed her for not sitting for THAT exams, my mother has not turned on me, nor has she turned her back on me.

But as I said, I still feel paranoid, some days I still feel, the other shoe, its hovering, and when it does, I'm never going to know what hit me. But on most days, I feel cautiously optimistic about it all. I hope it lasts, I really, really do.

baby you're on your way

Today my baby sister is leaving for medical school and for the first time in forever, I will not be sharing an apartment with one of my sisters. I still can't quite believe time has flown by so fast that my little sister, that cute toddler I would take with me to school on weekends when I had to work on a project with my friends in high school, that little girl I used to take to school and attend parents meetings for, is now a young woman going off to study medicine. I can't be more proud of her. But I'll certainly miss her. Take care and Godspeed Pots, see ya on the flipside!