this song means an entire city to me...

There was this song I listened to constantly that year. I was far away from home for the first time and had felt decidedly overwhelmed and homesick and the song reminded me of home. That song was the leitmotif to those days, imbuing it somehow with a hue all its own. In the midst of it all, I was unaware that you were already claiming a stake in my heart until the song became intertwined with you in my head. When I came home, I would only have to hear the song and you would inevitably occupy my mind. But now, two years on, whatever tenuous claim you had staked in my heart has started to loosen. Yesterday I heard the song again and you were no longer the first thing that came to my mind. It has started to become just another song again, a good one still, but no longer one invested with memories and thoughts of what have been and what could have been. Time has done its work quite well, blunting the edges so they no longer cut and rendering the memories hazy. I am finally getting over you. Truly.


* post title from another drawing of kurt halsey

I just want to be okay today

Sometimes I am convinced I have a latent self-destructive streak in me. I ditch friends, I don't keep appointments, I throw away chances at a do over; all because I feel like it, because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and didn't feel like it was my day.
Case in point: today was the first birthday party of one of my godchildren, L's little boy, a fact L reminded me of several times through phone calls and text messages. I said I was going, and I did intend to go, I bought a gift and everything, but I woke up this morning with a massive headache, ate my breakfast, downed a couple of painkillers, and slept the day away without even bothering to type out a sorry-I-can't-make-it note to L. So understandably, she's mad, but then again, I have never given her any reason to be mad at me before, so I guess now is a fine time to start as any, to see if our friendship can survive.

I don't know what is it in me that does this, that compels me to do this, this urge to test how far I can go before something breaks. Sometimes I'm convinced this is a delayed rebellion thing happening, I don't know really. I want to apologize but a part of me thinks she deserves this for that slight  which I have a feeling she didn't even know she did, but she did. I want to be a better person. I do.

this is how it works...

You love, you lose, you cry, you pick yourself up and try one more time. And this time maybe, you'll be a little braver, a little tougher, a little more grounded yet idealistic still...

the music of our friendship

Someone to Say Hi To

K's Choice

 Look at you how well you've done so far
look at where you're standing who you are
and all our moments good and bad forever in my head
wish we could go back just once and laugh at things we said

It's been wonderful and crazy knowing you
and I hope that I can always see the teenage girl in you
and I know that you'll be fine but I'll be there every time
you need someone to say hi to late at night

Sometimes when I think of us I'm sad
I miss not knowing anything of what could lie ahead
when mostly now I'm grateful that you're where you want to be
not quite here and not quite there but somewhere in between

L.,

This is how I feel now. It might be corny to say so, but after listening to this song, I realized that this is where we are now. I'll always be your friend and it makes me sad knowing how much we have drifted away from each other, but I understand now. I miss you, I do, I miss talking to you and generally us just being us, but mostly as the song says, I am happy that you're where you want to be.

M.

Loneliness is a state of mind

How is it that you can be surrounded by family and friends yet still feel so achingly alone?

what is essential is hidden

The aspect of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity (one is unable to notice something because it is always before one's eyes) - Ludwig Wittgenstein


And I have to wonder, if this was indeed the case, had I in the narrowness of my vision, allowed so much to pass me by? What chances had I ignored or not noticed because of this?

everything's gonna be alright

There are days when I wish I could write my younger self a letter and tell her not to worry, that although life is going to be one heck of a ride, we were going to be fine. I wish I could infuse her with some of the confidence I have found, I wish I had enjoyed the ride more instead of worrying about what other people might say or think. I am haunted by the thought of the opportunities I must have lost because I was too scared to try. Does confidence come with age, with the experiences we have along the way or has it always been there, and we only need time to find it? As secure as I am with myself now, I wish I was this way when I was younger, especially when I look back on the things I missed hiding from life.