Sunday, August 3, 2008

I'm going to hide under the covers now

Some days, I feel like I don't have the energy to get out of bed, because for what purpose? I feel direction-less, without purpose, listing. I hate, hate, hate days like that but more so I hate my life. I hate that this is all the life I am going to get and I feel like I've screwed it up. This is it, this is the rest of my life. I can't wish for a do over, nobody gets that, nobody gets their slate wiped clean to start anew. Too much baggage, too many things lost, too much guilt. This is it. No use thinking back and saying I wish I had done that instead, I wonder what my life could have been. There's no use thinking about that anymore. Keep moving forward, ha. I want to but I am inexplicably tethered to the past, to my mistakes. I never can decide. I can be impulsive sure, but a look back always grounds me, ties me down, cripples my movement. I just might be one of those people who need outside force to keep moving. I lost that a long time ago. In my frenzied fumble towards the prize, I dropped my brass rings and somehow never got back into the groove. Never. I don't even know if I want to. Or if I could. But that's par for the course in my universe. So I continue to bury my life in make believe, allowing real life to deaden me. I remember vowing never to be like this. Just tells me I know nothing.

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